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And you’ve felt it.
Maybe you feel it through the constant battle with depression and asking, “Is this all there is? God, I thought there was more!”
Maybe you feel it in the room you enter, when you immediately worry what everyone is thinking about you. And you leave the room with a sense that you were never REAL. You were never authentic. You were never you…that whole time.
If you’re like a lot of “pre-wakeup” men, you probably feel it in your marriage. In fact, this may be the biggest point of pain for you. You’ve been married for X years, and you can’t figure out why you lack confidence in your own home…with your own wife.
You feel like she’s not attracted to you anymore, like she doesn’t want you.
You probably know that something is off in your life mission. And it may be as simple as…you haven’t begun it. You’re so busy trying to just emotionally, financially, relationally survive–praying for things to miraculously change tomorrow–that you have lost sight of why you’re here.
Let me tell you what Jesus says about you.
He says that you are . . . a real man. He says that you are his son with full access to him any time of day or night and with free reign over his household.
He says that you, like him, have authority, power, love, and a sound mind. Also, you’ve been given everything you need to live the amazing, passionate, mission-driven, take-no-prisoners life that, up till now, you’ve only wished you could live.
He says that you are more than a conqueror. You kill giants, snakes, scorpions, lions, and bears. You spread power when you take a step.
You are a king who invites his woman into adventure with him. To her, you are attractive, a stud.
God knows it. Your wife still believes it.
My story, or, “The Day I stopped being a pansy and how that fired up my marriage.”
So I used to worship my wife. I’m just being honest, calling it as I see it. I worshipped her. It wasn’t necessarily totally on purpose. But it was definitely my fault. We started off as many married couples do. When we were dating, we were on fire for each other. We spent all the time we could together. We were intensely attracted to each other.
So, obviously, we got married. As we should have.
But gradually, I felt a thing. I felt like somehow that fiery attraction from my now-wife was waning, or wearing out. I woke up each morning with this low-grade sense of down-ness that I was “losing her.”
You see, gentlemen. I had unknowingly made her the center of my universe.
Doesn’t it seem like that’s how it’s supposed to be though? All the movies and love songs that we know aren’t real, but secretly think actually ARE real tell us that our “girl” should be the center of our world. We can’t live without them. We’re incomplete without them.
In the words of Jerry Maguire, “You complete me.”
Problem #1: Jesus completes me. No one else.
Problem #2: Women want a man who doesn’t need them in order to be content and fulfilled and purposeful and powerful.
Problem #3: I knew #1 but ignored it because my wife was so dang attractive. And I didn’t totally know #2.
So, in an effort to start “winning back her heart,” I looked for help from blogs, books, pastors, Facebook groups, you name it. And being the Jesus-following man of the Kingdom that I am, I was looking for this help from Christian sources.
It didn’t help.
All the advice–oh man, it pisses me off just thinking about it–it either was something I had already tried, or it fed our underlying problem, or both.
“Buy her flowers more often.” Check.
“Send her romantic texts to tell her you’re thinking about her.” Check.
“If you want her to be in the mood, you’ve got to help around the house, with the kids, etc.” Check. Check. Check.
“Well brother, you’ve just got to keep becoming more selfless…
die to yourself
love her like Jesus
God’s building your character. Just cling to him.”
All of that extremely common Christian marriage advice sounds good and it might work in some marriages. But in my marriage, and in a whole host of others, it’s the wrong advice. It’s Apple software in a Windows computer. No matter how good it is, it just won’t work.
In fact, it might even make things worse.
I did. I stopped. And I realized the first and biggest issue I needed to fix was that I had become a pansy in my marriage. I had been doing all of the above in order to try to earn her affection and attention. I needed it in order to be steady and happy. But I was left weak and sissy. She wanted someone strong that she could lean on. That she could curl up under and find shelter.
Instead I was this little peon approaching her pedestal with offerings of good-will to earn her good graces, so I could be good inside.
Definitely not Kingdom. Jesus is the one we worship. And all service to our wives must be from a place of security, strength, and love. But actual love. Not neediness.
The problem is, most of our advice doesn’t tell us how to become secure. How to conduct ourselves in our homes so that we grow in strength and confidence and assertiveness and boldness.
It doesn’t tell us the things that we Christians are afraid to believe might be true. But things that Jesus demonstrates in his marriage to us, and things that, if we are going to find any rescue, we’d better start adopting for ourselves.
Now My Marriage is Incredible, and Always Getting Better
So I woke up. With the help of the Holy Spirit, guiding me into true manhood. With the help of trusted mentors. And with the guidance from non-Christian authors sharing, unknowingly, true Kingdom principles of manhood…
I came alive.
And now I’m learning every day how to be more and more on fire in my Kingdom mission to follow Jesus my King. I’m living in a miraculous faith.
I’m learning how to assertively, confidently, and powerfully love my wife.
And I’m learning how to live healthy. To not live weak and submissive, but to realize my value and bring it to the world.
I’m Matt Hallock, founder of Man Warrior King, and I too have been there. But I’m rebuilding–stronger, more focused, more in tune. Now I’m learning to live in my full identity as a man, a son of the Father. I took action.
Maybe you’re like me.
You’re ready to take action too.
If you want to take the next step in rewriting your marriage’s story, grab your free three chapters of my book, The DNA of a Man.
From the Man Warrior King Podcast
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From the Blog
Does this sound like you? You wake up another morning from a night of non-sex and you have to fight the bitterness that wants to wash over you. You wanted it, but she didn’t. She never does. If she would just loosen up and be affectionate like she used to be, it would...
I’ve got to be honest with you from the get-go. If we’re going to run this race together, then there’s really no other way. If you and I are going to take more if our lives back from the hands of hell than we ever have before, then we’ve got to start right. Because I...
There is a subtle but vastly significant shift that I think many of us men need to make in our thinking. Many of us wake up each morning with a pamper-me mindset. What?! I hear the objections rising up from everywhere right now. Pamper-me?! Are you kidding me? I’m a...